Being a Mess

As I was about to pull into a parking spot today, I saw a woman whose appearance immediately threw me. Her hairstyle and color said punk. Her jacket said Grandma. Her purse said professional, and her shoes said Korean manicurist. I didn’t analyze all of this in one fell swoop, but rather got a closer look at her when we happened to enter the same restaurant for lunch.

I’m so glad to have seen her, and noticed the many aspects of her appearance, because I know I have done the same thing a million times, and now I know better. In all seriousness, I was not judging her. I could imagine that she had just been at the doctor’s office, so had thrown on the weird little sandals to be comfortable, along with the sweatpants and somewhat frumpy/punky ponytail. All of her stuff was in the big brown leather bag she uses for work, so she picked that up on the way out the door. She forgot a jacket, so she borrowed her mom’s when she caught a chill at the doctor’s office. It happens.

But it was amazing. I couldn’t tell how old she was. I couldn’t figure anything out about her, and it was all because her appearance was so inconsistent. I bet there are some cool fashion freaks who can make that concept look good, but we ordinary folks tend to fall apart under it.

So what did I learn? Consistency! From head to toe! If I am going to wear dress pants, I must not wear sneakers, unless they are nice fashionable sneakers, and I’m wearing something casual on top that makes the whole thing work! If I am going to wear a dress and stockings and nice shoes, I damned well better do something with my hair. If I am going to look like a slob, I better work the slob thing from head to toe (but why work that hard to look bad when I could look good?). None of this pulling things together and squinting in the mirror to imagine that it looks good. No more putting on a pair of earrings that I hope will draw attention away from my wrinkled pants. Being put together is so important, and I got an in-your-face example of why today.

Speaking of being a mess, I was thrilled to learn yesterday that one of my favorite TV personalities, Stacy London of TLC’s What Not To Wear, is now hosting her own show called Fashionably Late. I’m of course fashionably late in realizing this, since apparently it premiered last week, but I’m all set up to record it. It’s on Fridays at 10/9c on TLC. Sweet! I have Stacy (and her WNTW co-host Clinton) to thank, in large part, for my realization that I sort of have been a mess as far as fashion goes.

I Love Vogue: December 2007

Another issue so soon? I guess maybe my last one was a little late. This time I have my new Vogue well in advance of its cover date.

1. This is not so much a Vogue note as a general observation, but does anyone feel comfortable (or decent) in tiny minidresses that barely come down past the derriere? Some of the dresses I see on women in several different magazines look like they would pop up around your waist if you dared to sit in them. If I had awesome legs, I might try it out, but to me it really looks like a look for teenage girls.

2. Go red, go now? The issue has a feature on RED, and lots of ads with lots of red to back it up. Many with red nail polish, when we only saw one set of colored nails in the entire magazine last month.

3. Dolce & Gabbana has a rather disturbing ad toward the front of the magazine. Some lovely resort wear (because I always wear underwear and knee high boots on vacation), but the model in the center is disturbingly thin. I did a little research, and besides realizing that a lot of the Dolce & Gabbana models look alike, I guessed that it might be either Katarina Ivanovska or more likely Tatiana Lyadochkina. It might be neither. But I have to wonder if this photo is stretched out or something. I am all for attractive models, but besides her gorgeous, luminous face, this poor dear looks ill. It doesn’t appear as if she could draw a full breath with such a tiny torso, and her arm calls to mind starving refugees. Come on Dolce. Quit it with the Photoshop, or encourage this girl to get some medical (or nutritional) attention. She’s clearly not at optimal health. The girl on the right, though, looks great. She’s got some sweet curves (I think I even note some fat on her thighs. Gasp! Very sexy, actually.), and wears the aforementioned ridiculous outfit with confidence.

4. p. 155 – Jennifer Connolly as the “It Girl” in Balenciaga. If not looking like that is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I think I just hate Balenciaga, but seriously? Those (hideous) shoes with that (hideous) dress? Maybe it’s just too high-minded for my FashionNoob brain to bear. Jennifer is in Vogue two months in a row, though, and despite the get-up, she is glowing and beautiful as usual.

5. AAAH! Natalia Vodianova is in the exact same Balenciaga outfit on p. 88… slightly different shoes, actually, but similar horror.

6. Gosh, who is the senior stunner in the Rolex ad? A lady with grey/silver hair who I want to be when I grow up. Gorgeous!

7. Is anyone else annoyed by Hayden Panettiere all of a sudden? I am an animal lover too, but ever since that whale story came out, I cringe when I see her. I actually think what she did was awesome, but I think she’s getting a little bit overexposed at the moment.

8. There’s a sample of Estee Lauder’s fragrance called Pleasures. Normally I rip fragrance samples out and throw them away because they're giving me a headache already, but I actually walked back to my desk sniffing to figure out where the lovely smell was coming from. So I’m trying it out for the day. It was too strong when I first put it on, but it’s nice now. I’ll see if I get any comments from my husband. He almost always notices if I’m wearing perfume of any kind. Gwyneth Paltrow is in the ad too, with puppies.

9. There’s a spread of ads for the Gap, with holiday fashions in great jewel tones. I went right to Gap.com to look for the green sweater (The Color V) they had on Amy Adams. The sweater is on the site, but not in green. Must find green sweater in store. I’ll report back on my effort.

10. p. 164 – another hideous Balenciaga ensemble. I think my hatred is official. Guys, I just developed an opinion of a designer! Am I all growed up yet?

11. I want a black and white houndstooth coat. Badly. Thank you Banana Republic.

12. OK, now I’m getting nauseous from all the perfume samples. Horp.

13. p. 326 - There’s a great little article on hair extensions, which has me almost convinced that a keeping a few temporary pieces around the house might not be a bad idea. Would that be so awful?

14. p. 352 – The editors must have been getting sleepy. The headline for this article is “Big Love”… they used the same phrase to title a caption for a photo in an article about a Mormon woman who is a society writer. Very funny, Dr. House.

15. p. 406 – I love this spread of photos of the supermodel Gemma Ward doing everyday things in high fashion. Very reminiscent of Us Weekly’s “Stars, They’re Just Like Us!” page. Also, I think "near the recycling bins" might just be the appropriate place for those Balenciaga horror show boots.

What Ever Happened to Dressing Up for the Holidays?

Remember when you were in high school, and the question you asked your parents when there was a family event was if you had to dress up? Like putting on something nice was a major inconvenience for you between all the lying, complaining, and generally feeling sorry for yourself that you had to do? If you could go to Grandma's in jeans, a T-shirt and your Chuck Taylors, it would almost be bearable. Almost.

"God forbid you should look nice," your mother would say (not mine, because she was a hippie and had similar feelings about dressing up).

I kind of wish all of the mothers and grandmothers had stood their ground on that, because now, it sort of just feels half-assed getting together with frumpy looking family, and being frumpy myself. My husband and I will be at my in-laws for Thanksgiving, and my mother-in-law will make the delicious meal, but everyone will be dressed casual. Aside from the extra (and extra-delicious) food, what makes it any different from any other dinner I have with my in-laws?

Now I realize that the black stockings and heels, dark skirts and sophisticated sweaters, and the ties and button-down shirts all my relatives wore to special occasions when I was growing up added to the special feeling of holidays. It was a way of respecting the holidays, respecting each other, and respecting themselves. I miss it!

Well, this year I'm taking matters into my own hands. I'm going to dress things up a little. Instead of conforming to the usual casual dress code, I am going to kick it up a notch and wear a skirt, stockings (not nude color, because even FashionNoob knows better than that) and heels. I am going to carefully do my hair, apply makeup, and wear light perfume. I will accessorize. I will be pulled together. I will try to convince my husband to wear a shirt and tie.

Why bother with this when the rest of the family will be casual? Maybe everyone will feel a little underdressed (or, like I would in their position, a little frumpy) in the presence of such a lovely couple, and next time they'll kick it up a notch too. And it might feel like Thanksgiving again. After all, it feels good to look good!

Gloss-Gate

Success! I have freed my lip gloss from the prison of the inappropriately-designed tube! Here is a journal of my scientific endeavor.

3:20 – place cup of water in microwave and boil the crap out of it

3:23 – remove cup from microwave

3:24 – place tube of lip gloss in cup



3:25- notice that gloss viscosity is decreasing

3:27- pour small puddle of gloss into used metal container previously used for mints and place gloss tube back in cup of hot water

3:29 – repeat, with less gloss coming out this time

3:30- place tube upside down in cup, in order to make it easier for remaining gloss to pass the narrow opening of the tube.

3:31- realize this was a bad idea because now the top is hot!

3:34- give up on removing any more gloss. Close tube and return to purse. I can still use what's left until it runs out.

3:35- put a rubber band around mint tin and put it in my purse. Feel satisfied with myself. I probably have another 2 months of gloss because of this experiment!


PS - Sorry about the very low-res photos. I'm using my phone for now, but plan on using nicer images from my awesome camera soon. I may start sharing my good and bad outfits!

The Lip Gloss Conspiracy

I've uncovered a vast, right-wing conspiracy regarding lip gloss.

I had my makeup professionally done for my wedding, and the woman who did it sold me the lip gloss she had used, and I've used it every day since then because I loved it. It's called Lip Glaze, and it's by Aveda. The color I use is Mango Juice.

Anyway, it's been almost 7 months, so I'm getting down to the dregs of the tube. Lately I've been frustrated because there is actually a considerable amount of product left in the tube, but I can't reach it because of the shape of the tube and the wand. This stuff is $15 online, so it's not cheap, and I really want to use it all up. I've looked online to see if anyone has any ideas for this. The best ideas I've seen so far are to heat up the tube and pour out the presumably liquified gloss, and to use a dental spatula. I don't happen to have a dental spatula up my ass today, so I guess I'll try heating it up. I also e-mailed Aveda to ask what they recommend, but despite their whole earth-friendly image, I bet they will recommend I buy another tube. We'll see.

I'll heat this thing up tonight (I guess like you would a baby bottle? In a container of water I microwaved?) and report back tomorrow. I'll have to find an appropriate vessel.

How To Tie A Scarf

In my continuing effort to look good, I tried this morning to tie a lovely satin scarf around my neck to go with my nice outfit for work. Despite a couple of attempts, I couldn't figure out how to make it look good, so when I got to work this morning I Googled "how to tie a scarf" and learned something. There were two cute styles I liked for around the neck. These images are from a site called Greatest Look:

I Love Vogue: November 2007

I'm starting a new feature here celebrating the wonderful magazine that is Vogue. I just started a subscription to this classic publication, and each month when I receive one I am going to share some highlights with you readers from my very humble perspective. Last month I found that I learned a lot from it, so we'll see what this issue brings us.

1. Cover - Jennifer Connolly. Love her, however I do harbor some resentment in seeing her in anything besides Labyrinth, the movie responsible for my lifelong crush on David Bowie (could it have been the tight pants?). I suppose I have to permit her a career as a grown-up too, though. Sigh.

2. As a magazine enthusiast in general, I am surprised to find that this is one of the first magazines I've read in which the ads are just as important as the copy. If not more so (no offense, writers and editors).

3. There is an Estee Lauder ad with a woman dressed all in white (button down shirt, and long shorts), standing on the deck of a sailboat. It's a beautiful ad, and it makes me wish I could pull off such an outfit without feeling like Moby Dick, or getting some sort of black dust on my ass within 15 minutes. Note to self: if you do ever pull off the all-white, wear gold accessories. They look gorgeous. Also, be blond and nicely tanned.

4. Prada has some beautiful patterned A-line dresses, and in the ad there are two models wearing said dresses with ribbed sweaters. Where does this look work? It looks great, but I'm not sure where I would rock it (assuming I could afford Prada). Beautiful, beautiful designs though. One has a zipper up the front, the other a diagonal strap in black across the chest. Nice little surprises.

5. Tommy Hilfiger has a model in a blue dress with red piping (piping a new trend? Fashionista loved it on a blazer recently), black stockings, and bright yellow shoes. I would never pair those shoes with that dress, but again the element of surprise is nice. Also, I was never sure about black tights with a navy blue dress, but apparently it works.

6. There are some coats out right now with tie belts without buckles that make them kind of look like bathrobes. I tried one of these on at Kohl's last night, and wasn't sure. Seeing the ad for Jones New York, I really do think it looks kind of weird. (side note: also tried on some Vera Wang boots at Kohls, and could not help using the adjective "fierce." I'm disgusted with myself - and also hoping my husband went out and bought them for me today in a fit of admiration at my exclaiming that they were too expensive. At $80, they were not that bad, really, but I'm pretty strapped right now.)

7. Mikhail Baryshnikov is modeling for Movado. That man is HOT. I don't care how old he is.

8. I'm still seeing these purses with big metal chains on the handles. I am not into this look, and also, a friend of mine nearly scratched my car with hers. I think they look so trendy, and not in a good way.

9. Donna Karan is apparently now marketing leotards. WTF?

10. Vogue's Seven Closet Essentials: button-down shirt (got it), leather jacket (hmmm, might be an idea), bikini (got it), ballet flats (got it), sport gear (needs improvement), t-shirt (duh, but I guess it is pretty hard to find the perfect one), jeans (again, duh, but I am yet to find a pair that I love... should probably do an entry on a successful search for said jeans)... this feature seems to be more advertorial, since each section mentions a particular designer.

11. I think I need a fedora this winter.

12. Any color nail polish besides clear or bright red seems to be sort of outside of the realm of fashion. All but one of the models I noticed in this issue were sporting natural nails. Neatly manicured and shiny, of course, but no color. That's kind of a relief, frankly.

A thoroughly enjoyable issue, although none of the copy lived up to last month's feature on hamburgers. I don't even eat beef, and that one left me hungry and somewhat inspired.

Candy Coated

Now that the colder weather is here, my need for a new coat is growing ever more evident. I have what was a lovely wool coat in a light pink. Nice and warm, with holes in the pockets, and a grey tinge at the edges that no dry cleaner has been able to remove. It's time. Plus, ever since two years ago when a male friend of mine laughed out loud at me in it, and said it looked like a bathrobe, I have felt a little self-conscious in it. He was being stupid, but still. Light pink is a stretch for me in any garment, much less a tea-length coat. I need something with a little bit more seriousness to it.

I have seen some coats in magazines recently that I love, but I really need to stop reading Vogue because like all other garments in that magazine, the coats cost more than my mortgage payment. Hrmph. What I want to find, though, is either the perfect black or grey wool coat, or one of these super stylish ones that are the same length, but more of that stuffed water-resistant material. Some of them have hoods, and zippers in cool places and such. It's interesting how they have all that and still don't look too casual to throw on for work.

I'm still really enjoying my progress of last week too, by the way. This morning I threw together an outfit that I really love (minus the fact that my boots are vinyl, not the nice leather I would love to have) and feel comfortable wearing. And I didn't have to run around the house feeling desperate trying to figure out what was ironed, what was garbage, etc. My options are limited, but they always were, and now they're just easier to see.

This is not necessarily fashion related, but I can't avoid mentioning how awesome my new shampoo and conditioner are. I was a little nervous buying a big Costco bottle of something I had never tried before, but Dove moisturizing shampoo and conditioner have made my hair so soft it's kind of amazing. I definitely recommend it. When you don't have to worry about your hair, that gives you more time to pull the rest of yourself together.

Great News

Great news! I found my perfect pair of black pants! They're on ShopBop and.... they're $248.

::Sigh::

Oh, and they only come in sizes 0, 2, and 4. WTF?

Two Bags Down, One Closet to Go

Maybe it was the extra hour I gained by forgetting about the time changing over the weekend, or maybe it was my overall sense of helplessness regarding my wardrobe, but on Sunday I attacked my main closet and my dresser with merciless zeal. And I feel like I have a whole new wardrobe.

It's really funny how throwing out all the junk can highlight the good stuff. When I got dressed on Monday morning, I really felt like I had options. There wasn't the panic figuring out which shirt I wanted to wear, and then realizing it wasn't ironed (because I ironed frigging EVERYTHING) or digging through the closet looking for something I know does not exist. I was reasonably pleased to find that I have a practical, if not exactly stunning, wardrobe for work. It was cleansing! It was freeing! I even found a really cool vintage blazer that I bought as part of a suit at a thrift store years ago. The skirt got tossed, and thanks to Fashionista, I realize I can now wear the blazer with jeans. Sweet.

I unloaded two kitchen garbage bags full of stuff that is either too small, too ugly, or too impractical for me to wear. My other closet (these are tiny closets, by the way, lest you think I'm like Alicia Silverstone's character in Clueless) is mostly filled with dresses (including my wedding dress, which I seriously need to get preserved), so I'll have to dig in to that one later.

This may be obvious to most of you, but it's a big relief to me to have my iron and ironing board in the room where I actually get dressed. I moved it this weekend, and I'm sort of wearing an idiot-genius crown over it. Before, it was in the basement laundry room, a place where no one wants to spend time, and a place which for the last month has been behind pet gates thanks to our renovation down there. A full two floors beneath the guest room where I keep all my clothes. No wonder I haven't ironed properly in months. The guest room is right next to my husband's office, too, so that means I can hang out near him while I press and steam. There is no need for ironing to be such a lonely pursuit.

I was poised to write here about buying a new pair of boots, but yesterday I made the startling discovery that I have only $4 in my bank account. My husband and I save quite a bit, and I have my biweekly budget that I put in that account, but this time it went ridiculously fast. Maybe the discipline I'm developing with my wardrobe will bleed over into my finances too. I hope so, because I need me some new boots!

The Pile Grows

Instead of doing one big, psychologically-cleansing tear through my closets and drawers to pull out the things I never wear, or should never wear, I have been slowly picking through it all whenever I have a chance. The pile is growing. I've had a couple surprises - two button-down short sleeve shirts with colorful stripes on them that I thought for sure I would be tossing. On closer examination, they go nicely with a single color, more toned-down blazer or sweater. I just have to remember not to wear them on their own just because I'm feeling desperate.

I will tell you that the throw-away pile contains a lot of Joyce Leslie items. Does that store exist outside of the Northeast? It's a lifesaver in a real pinch when you absolutely have to have a dress, and you have $30 to spend, but when I buy things there, I know they will need to be thrown away. The problem is, I have been holding on to them anyway - the shrunken T-shirts, the dress with awful sleeves. The sweaters with holes at the collar. I wore one of those for three years with the help of a safety pin. Pathetic.

On a recent long business trip with a vacation-y weekend in the middle, I survived on 3 pairs of pants, 1 pair of shorts, 5 camisoles, 3 blazers and 4 pairs of shoes. It occurred to me that there's no reason why I have to have so much more to make it through the rest of my life. What I need is a basic set of very nice, flexible pieces for each part of my life: work, play, and the more formal occasions.

I am going to try out the personal shoppers at Nordstrom to see if I can get any help. I know I have to be very careful, because the work on commission, but I think I'll be able to tell if they're being honest with me. The service is free, and as I expressed in my last post, I definitely need help.