Confession: My underwear doesn't fit

I'll address that title first, because it would be irresponsible of me to leave a statement like that hanging in the air without an explanation.

A couple years ago I received a $100 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret, and I went on a panty-buying rampage (sorry, Plain Jane, that I just typed that word you hate). Oh sure, I bought a nice silky robe, but what every woman really wants to do is have all new underwear, so I bought about 15 pairs. Before that, I had worn medium size string bikini style underwear, so I felt pretty comfortable buying string and regular bikini in medium.

So for about 3 years now, I have been regretting the regular bikinis, which pinch me, do not cover me properly, and result in an awful panty line. They hurt, y'all. I always know when I need to do laundry, because I open my underwear drawer, and there are those torture devices. Today I'm wearing a novelty pair of Hello Kitty underwear just to avoid them. Sweet. Should I get in there and throw them all out this weekend? Purge the drawer, for better or for worse?
Risk having to do laundry more frequently for the comfort of my body? I think I should, but we'll see how far I get.

In better news, I am currently wearing that great sweater from the Gap that I saw on Amy Adams in Vogue a few weeks ago. I had to go get my cell phone fixed at the mall, so I figured I'd take a peek and see if I could find it. I ended up buying two, because the green one felt so nice. It's kind of weird because on the website they don't have either of the colors I bought. The one I just had to have was kelly green, and the one I'm wearing today is baby blue. I love it.

I also tried on some jeans and pants while I was there, and I think Gap pants and jeans are just not made for me. See?

House of Style

While buying Christmas presents for my brother-in-law this week, I felt terribly jealous. Why is it that I have no problem buying stylish things for other people's homes, but I am yet to hang anything but a string of greeting cards on my own dining room wall? I think my husband and I suffer from a general stinginess when it comes to our own home. It's unfortunate too, because I think we'd take more pride in it if we liked it better. But the question of course arises - which is more important: having a nice clock, or getting to retire early.

Maybe we could do both. As with clothing, I think I just have to get a little more creative.

TIP OF THE WEEK: If you never do anything with your hair and you need to look a little bit special for a party or something like that, just blow dry it and curl the ends with a curling iron, just straight up. It results in a polished I-didn't-actually-do-my-hair-but-it-does-look-lovely look. I've done this for three holiday parties already. I do hope no one is catching on.

The Horror

Written on paper Friday night, because I just could not contain myself:

Stacy. Oh No. Oh Stacy. I am so sorry.

I watched my first and perhaps only episode of Fashionably Late tonight, and I am so disappointed. I don't want to wax all feminist on anybody, but Miss London has done herself and all women a disservice by dumbing herself down and trying to put on a chummy air for this show.

There are many women who are loved by their girl friends naturally. I have friends like this. When they got married, people would fight over who would get to be their bridesmaids. They love being women and are so comfortable in their feminine skin. God bless them.

And then there are women like me who don't naturally interact the way women generally interact. The vocal intonations are different. There's a little less openness and sociability. There's maybe even a little coldness. We can be the nicest people in the world, and we feel things deeply, but we're never going to wear all of that in the open.

After watching that show, I think Stacy is one of these people. Despite her humor on What Not To Wear, she always seemed respectably cold and discriminating. It's what made her seem like an authority on fashion. It's something good female teachers often have - just an air of authority. I love that quality, and it's one of the reasons I was interested in Fashionably Late. Stacy is great because she has an ivy league education, and she still knows so much about style.

The concept of Fashionably Late is that Stacy is hosting a party with her mostly female audience. Instead of giving her a show where she can just interact with the topic, and maybe do an occasional interview, they have her trying to chum it up with everyday women. And oh my God it is so awkward.

She's so nervous throughout the show that her neck muscles are tense and sticking out. As she tries to banter with the audience, you can see on her face that she's so uncomfortable. They have her serving drinks and trying to get laughs, and it made me nervous just watching her.

At one point during the show, there was a bizarre sequence where she was pretending to be on the back of a moving motorcycle. Later, she told Angie Harmon that when they first met, she wished they could be roommates. She tried on a series of hats and made goofy faces, all the while making forced, awkward conversation. Where was that confidence I loved?

Why not do a show about the really intelligent side of fashion? Why did she agree to do something with this format where she's putting on the hey-girlfriend-let's-gossip BS personna that pop culture demands? Any idiot could see that a show like that is not where she is going to shine.

By the end of the show, I was feeling inexplicably anxious, like I had done something horribly wrong. I think I was just empathizing with Stacy a little too much.

I'm not going to put her down for trying to be successful and squeeze every penny she can out of what is most likely a very brief period of fame for her. But I do wish she had held out for something better.

I'll keep an eye on the show, just in case she improves with time like a lot of talk radio people do eventually, but I don't have high hopes.

Being a Mess

As I was about to pull into a parking spot today, I saw a woman whose appearance immediately threw me. Her hairstyle and color said punk. Her jacket said Grandma. Her purse said professional, and her shoes said Korean manicurist. I didn’t analyze all of this in one fell swoop, but rather got a closer look at her when we happened to enter the same restaurant for lunch.

I’m so glad to have seen her, and noticed the many aspects of her appearance, because I know I have done the same thing a million times, and now I know better. In all seriousness, I was not judging her. I could imagine that she had just been at the doctor’s office, so had thrown on the weird little sandals to be comfortable, along with the sweatpants and somewhat frumpy/punky ponytail. All of her stuff was in the big brown leather bag she uses for work, so she picked that up on the way out the door. She forgot a jacket, so she borrowed her mom’s when she caught a chill at the doctor’s office. It happens.

But it was amazing. I couldn’t tell how old she was. I couldn’t figure anything out about her, and it was all because her appearance was so inconsistent. I bet there are some cool fashion freaks who can make that concept look good, but we ordinary folks tend to fall apart under it.

So what did I learn? Consistency! From head to toe! If I am going to wear dress pants, I must not wear sneakers, unless they are nice fashionable sneakers, and I’m wearing something casual on top that makes the whole thing work! If I am going to wear a dress and stockings and nice shoes, I damned well better do something with my hair. If I am going to look like a slob, I better work the slob thing from head to toe (but why work that hard to look bad when I could look good?). None of this pulling things together and squinting in the mirror to imagine that it looks good. No more putting on a pair of earrings that I hope will draw attention away from my wrinkled pants. Being put together is so important, and I got an in-your-face example of why today.

Speaking of being a mess, I was thrilled to learn yesterday that one of my favorite TV personalities, Stacy London of TLC’s What Not To Wear, is now hosting her own show called Fashionably Late. I’m of course fashionably late in realizing this, since apparently it premiered last week, but I’m all set up to record it. It’s on Fridays at 10/9c on TLC. Sweet! I have Stacy (and her WNTW co-host Clinton) to thank, in large part, for my realization that I sort of have been a mess as far as fashion goes.

I Love Vogue: December 2007

Another issue so soon? I guess maybe my last one was a little late. This time I have my new Vogue well in advance of its cover date.

1. This is not so much a Vogue note as a general observation, but does anyone feel comfortable (or decent) in tiny minidresses that barely come down past the derriere? Some of the dresses I see on women in several different magazines look like they would pop up around your waist if you dared to sit in them. If I had awesome legs, I might try it out, but to me it really looks like a look for teenage girls.

2. Go red, go now? The issue has a feature on RED, and lots of ads with lots of red to back it up. Many with red nail polish, when we only saw one set of colored nails in the entire magazine last month.

3. Dolce & Gabbana has a rather disturbing ad toward the front of the magazine. Some lovely resort wear (because I always wear underwear and knee high boots on vacation), but the model in the center is disturbingly thin. I did a little research, and besides realizing that a lot of the Dolce & Gabbana models look alike, I guessed that it might be either Katarina Ivanovska or more likely Tatiana Lyadochkina. It might be neither. But I have to wonder if this photo is stretched out or something. I am all for attractive models, but besides her gorgeous, luminous face, this poor dear looks ill. It doesn’t appear as if she could draw a full breath with such a tiny torso, and her arm calls to mind starving refugees. Come on Dolce. Quit it with the Photoshop, or encourage this girl to get some medical (or nutritional) attention. She’s clearly not at optimal health. The girl on the right, though, looks great. She’s got some sweet curves (I think I even note some fat on her thighs. Gasp! Very sexy, actually.), and wears the aforementioned ridiculous outfit with confidence.

4. p. 155 – Jennifer Connolly as the “It Girl” in Balenciaga. If not looking like that is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I think I just hate Balenciaga, but seriously? Those (hideous) shoes with that (hideous) dress? Maybe it’s just too high-minded for my FashionNoob brain to bear. Jennifer is in Vogue two months in a row, though, and despite the get-up, she is glowing and beautiful as usual.

5. AAAH! Natalia Vodianova is in the exact same Balenciaga outfit on p. 88… slightly different shoes, actually, but similar horror.

6. Gosh, who is the senior stunner in the Rolex ad? A lady with grey/silver hair who I want to be when I grow up. Gorgeous!

7. Is anyone else annoyed by Hayden Panettiere all of a sudden? I am an animal lover too, but ever since that whale story came out, I cringe when I see her. I actually think what she did was awesome, but I think she’s getting a little bit overexposed at the moment.

8. There’s a sample of Estee Lauder’s fragrance called Pleasures. Normally I rip fragrance samples out and throw them away because they're giving me a headache already, but I actually walked back to my desk sniffing to figure out where the lovely smell was coming from. So I’m trying it out for the day. It was too strong when I first put it on, but it’s nice now. I’ll see if I get any comments from my husband. He almost always notices if I’m wearing perfume of any kind. Gwyneth Paltrow is in the ad too, with puppies.

9. There’s a spread of ads for the Gap, with holiday fashions in great jewel tones. I went right to Gap.com to look for the green sweater (The Color V) they had on Amy Adams. The sweater is on the site, but not in green. Must find green sweater in store. I’ll report back on my effort.

10. p. 164 – another hideous Balenciaga ensemble. I think my hatred is official. Guys, I just developed an opinion of a designer! Am I all growed up yet?

11. I want a black and white houndstooth coat. Badly. Thank you Banana Republic.

12. OK, now I’m getting nauseous from all the perfume samples. Horp.

13. p. 326 - There’s a great little article on hair extensions, which has me almost convinced that a keeping a few temporary pieces around the house might not be a bad idea. Would that be so awful?

14. p. 352 – The editors must have been getting sleepy. The headline for this article is “Big Love”… they used the same phrase to title a caption for a photo in an article about a Mormon woman who is a society writer. Very funny, Dr. House.

15. p. 406 – I love this spread of photos of the supermodel Gemma Ward doing everyday things in high fashion. Very reminiscent of Us Weekly’s “Stars, They’re Just Like Us!” page. Also, I think "near the recycling bins" might just be the appropriate place for those Balenciaga horror show boots.

What Ever Happened to Dressing Up for the Holidays?

Remember when you were in high school, and the question you asked your parents when there was a family event was if you had to dress up? Like putting on something nice was a major inconvenience for you between all the lying, complaining, and generally feeling sorry for yourself that you had to do? If you could go to Grandma's in jeans, a T-shirt and your Chuck Taylors, it would almost be bearable. Almost.

"God forbid you should look nice," your mother would say (not mine, because she was a hippie and had similar feelings about dressing up).

I kind of wish all of the mothers and grandmothers had stood their ground on that, because now, it sort of just feels half-assed getting together with frumpy looking family, and being frumpy myself. My husband and I will be at my in-laws for Thanksgiving, and my mother-in-law will make the delicious meal, but everyone will be dressed casual. Aside from the extra (and extra-delicious) food, what makes it any different from any other dinner I have with my in-laws?

Now I realize that the black stockings and heels, dark skirts and sophisticated sweaters, and the ties and button-down shirts all my relatives wore to special occasions when I was growing up added to the special feeling of holidays. It was a way of respecting the holidays, respecting each other, and respecting themselves. I miss it!

Well, this year I'm taking matters into my own hands. I'm going to dress things up a little. Instead of conforming to the usual casual dress code, I am going to kick it up a notch and wear a skirt, stockings (not nude color, because even FashionNoob knows better than that) and heels. I am going to carefully do my hair, apply makeup, and wear light perfume. I will accessorize. I will be pulled together. I will try to convince my husband to wear a shirt and tie.

Why bother with this when the rest of the family will be casual? Maybe everyone will feel a little underdressed (or, like I would in their position, a little frumpy) in the presence of such a lovely couple, and next time they'll kick it up a notch too. And it might feel like Thanksgiving again. After all, it feels good to look good!

Gloss-Gate

Success! I have freed my lip gloss from the prison of the inappropriately-designed tube! Here is a journal of my scientific endeavor.

3:20 – place cup of water in microwave and boil the crap out of it

3:23 – remove cup from microwave

3:24 – place tube of lip gloss in cup



3:25- notice that gloss viscosity is decreasing

3:27- pour small puddle of gloss into used metal container previously used for mints and place gloss tube back in cup of hot water

3:29 – repeat, with less gloss coming out this time

3:30- place tube upside down in cup, in order to make it easier for remaining gloss to pass the narrow opening of the tube.

3:31- realize this was a bad idea because now the top is hot!

3:34- give up on removing any more gloss. Close tube and return to purse. I can still use what's left until it runs out.

3:35- put a rubber band around mint tin and put it in my purse. Feel satisfied with myself. I probably have another 2 months of gloss because of this experiment!


PS - Sorry about the very low-res photos. I'm using my phone for now, but plan on using nicer images from my awesome camera soon. I may start sharing my good and bad outfits!

The Lip Gloss Conspiracy

I've uncovered a vast, right-wing conspiracy regarding lip gloss.

I had my makeup professionally done for my wedding, and the woman who did it sold me the lip gloss she had used, and I've used it every day since then because I loved it. It's called Lip Glaze, and it's by Aveda. The color I use is Mango Juice.

Anyway, it's been almost 7 months, so I'm getting down to the dregs of the tube. Lately I've been frustrated because there is actually a considerable amount of product left in the tube, but I can't reach it because of the shape of the tube and the wand. This stuff is $15 online, so it's not cheap, and I really want to use it all up. I've looked online to see if anyone has any ideas for this. The best ideas I've seen so far are to heat up the tube and pour out the presumably liquified gloss, and to use a dental spatula. I don't happen to have a dental spatula up my ass today, so I guess I'll try heating it up. I also e-mailed Aveda to ask what they recommend, but despite their whole earth-friendly image, I bet they will recommend I buy another tube. We'll see.

I'll heat this thing up tonight (I guess like you would a baby bottle? In a container of water I microwaved?) and report back tomorrow. I'll have to find an appropriate vessel.

How To Tie A Scarf

In my continuing effort to look good, I tried this morning to tie a lovely satin scarf around my neck to go with my nice outfit for work. Despite a couple of attempts, I couldn't figure out how to make it look good, so when I got to work this morning I Googled "how to tie a scarf" and learned something. There were two cute styles I liked for around the neck. These images are from a site called Greatest Look:

I Love Vogue: November 2007

I'm starting a new feature here celebrating the wonderful magazine that is Vogue. I just started a subscription to this classic publication, and each month when I receive one I am going to share some highlights with you readers from my very humble perspective. Last month I found that I learned a lot from it, so we'll see what this issue brings us.

1. Cover - Jennifer Connolly. Love her, however I do harbor some resentment in seeing her in anything besides Labyrinth, the movie responsible for my lifelong crush on David Bowie (could it have been the tight pants?). I suppose I have to permit her a career as a grown-up too, though. Sigh.

2. As a magazine enthusiast in general, I am surprised to find that this is one of the first magazines I've read in which the ads are just as important as the copy. If not more so (no offense, writers and editors).

3. There is an Estee Lauder ad with a woman dressed all in white (button down shirt, and long shorts), standing on the deck of a sailboat. It's a beautiful ad, and it makes me wish I could pull off such an outfit without feeling like Moby Dick, or getting some sort of black dust on my ass within 15 minutes. Note to self: if you do ever pull off the all-white, wear gold accessories. They look gorgeous. Also, be blond and nicely tanned.

4. Prada has some beautiful patterned A-line dresses, and in the ad there are two models wearing said dresses with ribbed sweaters. Where does this look work? It looks great, but I'm not sure where I would rock it (assuming I could afford Prada). Beautiful, beautiful designs though. One has a zipper up the front, the other a diagonal strap in black across the chest. Nice little surprises.

5. Tommy Hilfiger has a model in a blue dress with red piping (piping a new trend? Fashionista loved it on a blazer recently), black stockings, and bright yellow shoes. I would never pair those shoes with that dress, but again the element of surprise is nice. Also, I was never sure about black tights with a navy blue dress, but apparently it works.

6. There are some coats out right now with tie belts without buckles that make them kind of look like bathrobes. I tried one of these on at Kohl's last night, and wasn't sure. Seeing the ad for Jones New York, I really do think it looks kind of weird. (side note: also tried on some Vera Wang boots at Kohls, and could not help using the adjective "fierce." I'm disgusted with myself - and also hoping my husband went out and bought them for me today in a fit of admiration at my exclaiming that they were too expensive. At $80, they were not that bad, really, but I'm pretty strapped right now.)

7. Mikhail Baryshnikov is modeling for Movado. That man is HOT. I don't care how old he is.

8. I'm still seeing these purses with big metal chains on the handles. I am not into this look, and also, a friend of mine nearly scratched my car with hers. I think they look so trendy, and not in a good way.

9. Donna Karan is apparently now marketing leotards. WTF?

10. Vogue's Seven Closet Essentials: button-down shirt (got it), leather jacket (hmmm, might be an idea), bikini (got it), ballet flats (got it), sport gear (needs improvement), t-shirt (duh, but I guess it is pretty hard to find the perfect one), jeans (again, duh, but I am yet to find a pair that I love... should probably do an entry on a successful search for said jeans)... this feature seems to be more advertorial, since each section mentions a particular designer.

11. I think I need a fedora this winter.

12. Any color nail polish besides clear or bright red seems to be sort of outside of the realm of fashion. All but one of the models I noticed in this issue were sporting natural nails. Neatly manicured and shiny, of course, but no color. That's kind of a relief, frankly.

A thoroughly enjoyable issue, although none of the copy lived up to last month's feature on hamburgers. I don't even eat beef, and that one left me hungry and somewhat inspired.

Candy Coated

Now that the colder weather is here, my need for a new coat is growing ever more evident. I have what was a lovely wool coat in a light pink. Nice and warm, with holes in the pockets, and a grey tinge at the edges that no dry cleaner has been able to remove. It's time. Plus, ever since two years ago when a male friend of mine laughed out loud at me in it, and said it looked like a bathrobe, I have felt a little self-conscious in it. He was being stupid, but still. Light pink is a stretch for me in any garment, much less a tea-length coat. I need something with a little bit more seriousness to it.

I have seen some coats in magazines recently that I love, but I really need to stop reading Vogue because like all other garments in that magazine, the coats cost more than my mortgage payment. Hrmph. What I want to find, though, is either the perfect black or grey wool coat, or one of these super stylish ones that are the same length, but more of that stuffed water-resistant material. Some of them have hoods, and zippers in cool places and such. It's interesting how they have all that and still don't look too casual to throw on for work.

I'm still really enjoying my progress of last week too, by the way. This morning I threw together an outfit that I really love (minus the fact that my boots are vinyl, not the nice leather I would love to have) and feel comfortable wearing. And I didn't have to run around the house feeling desperate trying to figure out what was ironed, what was garbage, etc. My options are limited, but they always were, and now they're just easier to see.

This is not necessarily fashion related, but I can't avoid mentioning how awesome my new shampoo and conditioner are. I was a little nervous buying a big Costco bottle of something I had never tried before, but Dove moisturizing shampoo and conditioner have made my hair so soft it's kind of amazing. I definitely recommend it. When you don't have to worry about your hair, that gives you more time to pull the rest of yourself together.

Great News

Great news! I found my perfect pair of black pants! They're on ShopBop and.... they're $248.

::Sigh::

Oh, and they only come in sizes 0, 2, and 4. WTF?

Two Bags Down, One Closet to Go

Maybe it was the extra hour I gained by forgetting about the time changing over the weekend, or maybe it was my overall sense of helplessness regarding my wardrobe, but on Sunday I attacked my main closet and my dresser with merciless zeal. And I feel like I have a whole new wardrobe.

It's really funny how throwing out all the junk can highlight the good stuff. When I got dressed on Monday morning, I really felt like I had options. There wasn't the panic figuring out which shirt I wanted to wear, and then realizing it wasn't ironed (because I ironed frigging EVERYTHING) or digging through the closet looking for something I know does not exist. I was reasonably pleased to find that I have a practical, if not exactly stunning, wardrobe for work. It was cleansing! It was freeing! I even found a really cool vintage blazer that I bought as part of a suit at a thrift store years ago. The skirt got tossed, and thanks to Fashionista, I realize I can now wear the blazer with jeans. Sweet.

I unloaded two kitchen garbage bags full of stuff that is either too small, too ugly, or too impractical for me to wear. My other closet (these are tiny closets, by the way, lest you think I'm like Alicia Silverstone's character in Clueless) is mostly filled with dresses (including my wedding dress, which I seriously need to get preserved), so I'll have to dig in to that one later.

This may be obvious to most of you, but it's a big relief to me to have my iron and ironing board in the room where I actually get dressed. I moved it this weekend, and I'm sort of wearing an idiot-genius crown over it. Before, it was in the basement laundry room, a place where no one wants to spend time, and a place which for the last month has been behind pet gates thanks to our renovation down there. A full two floors beneath the guest room where I keep all my clothes. No wonder I haven't ironed properly in months. The guest room is right next to my husband's office, too, so that means I can hang out near him while I press and steam. There is no need for ironing to be such a lonely pursuit.

I was poised to write here about buying a new pair of boots, but yesterday I made the startling discovery that I have only $4 in my bank account. My husband and I save quite a bit, and I have my biweekly budget that I put in that account, but this time it went ridiculously fast. Maybe the discipline I'm developing with my wardrobe will bleed over into my finances too. I hope so, because I need me some new boots!

The Pile Grows

Instead of doing one big, psychologically-cleansing tear through my closets and drawers to pull out the things I never wear, or should never wear, I have been slowly picking through it all whenever I have a chance. The pile is growing. I've had a couple surprises - two button-down short sleeve shirts with colorful stripes on them that I thought for sure I would be tossing. On closer examination, they go nicely with a single color, more toned-down blazer or sweater. I just have to remember not to wear them on their own just because I'm feeling desperate.

I will tell you that the throw-away pile contains a lot of Joyce Leslie items. Does that store exist outside of the Northeast? It's a lifesaver in a real pinch when you absolutely have to have a dress, and you have $30 to spend, but when I buy things there, I know they will need to be thrown away. The problem is, I have been holding on to them anyway - the shrunken T-shirts, the dress with awful sleeves. The sweaters with holes at the collar. I wore one of those for three years with the help of a safety pin. Pathetic.

On a recent long business trip with a vacation-y weekend in the middle, I survived on 3 pairs of pants, 1 pair of shorts, 5 camisoles, 3 blazers and 4 pairs of shoes. It occurred to me that there's no reason why I have to have so much more to make it through the rest of my life. What I need is a basic set of very nice, flexible pieces for each part of my life: work, play, and the more formal occasions.

I am going to try out the personal shoppers at Nordstrom to see if I can get any help. I know I have to be very careful, because the work on commission, but I think I'll be able to tell if they're being honest with me. The service is free, and as I expressed in my last post, I definitely need help.

I look so bad today

Today I am wearing brown pants with an awkward waistband (actually from Ann Taylor Loft, so they are decent, just not working for me), a sweater in a pretty bright orange that is too short in the sleeves, a light aqua camisole, and low-top converse sneakers. Also, a short grey wool coat with a hood, also with too-short sleeves, and with the bonus of a ripped shoulder. And folks, this was the best I could do today. I need help! I have one pair of pants that I love, zero sweaters, 1 skirt... I'm in a bad way.

Black and Blue

I tried the darker blue nail polish, and I mean to tell you (as my grandmother would say), it is by far the most popular thing I have ever worn in all my life. Here is a list of the people who have complimented it:

1. Two coworkers
2. Receptionist at my nutritionist's office
3. Generally cranky woman with limited English who works at Panera, whose expression of delight came through a whimsical little waggling of her own fingernails
4. The nurse who assisted with my colonoscopy. Seriously.

It's Essie's Aruba Blue, and honestly I'm still looking at my fingers and wondering if they look cheesy. Part of me suspects that people are complimenting me because it looks so weird that they feel driven to say something. This has happened to me in the past when someone's hair is a really bad color or cut. But this is generally when I know someone, and the situation calls for me to say something, anything. In this case, almost invariably, the complimenters (that's so not a word) have not been people I know well at all, so my conclusion is that they actually like it. No wonder it's all the rage.

This morning I had an acute attack of fashion anemia. I put on a pair of grey plaid pants with a black shirt and a darker grey sweater. I felt awkward, and my awkwardness was confirmed when my husband said to me, "Ih. You look funny." By the way, "ih" is not my name, but rather the sound of disgust. "I know, I do, right?"

I went on a tear through my dressers and closet searching for an item I knew did not exist there: black pants.

Why is it so hard to find an appropriate pair of frigging black pants for work? If I could find these pants, I would buy 25 pairs, and wear them every day. I have black suit pants with stripes. I have blue work pants with a light pin stripe (my favorite pants at the moment). I have brown suit pants, also with stripes. There's a reason I have all these stripes. They're flattering. For the life of me, I can not find a pair of plain black pants that does the same for my shape. The result is that I have trouble pairing tops with pants, because I always have to wear solids on top. It is my dream, actually, to have a beautifully tailored pair of grey pants, black pants, navy blue pants, and brown pants. I mean really. Those should be a staple in any person's wardrobe. I am open to suggestions, oh Internet, although I know I do not have many (or any) readers yet. I have a serious pants problem!

Out of Place

OK, so I did absolutely nothing on the whole wardrobe-renovating mission this weekend, but I did have a minor revelation. It may seem obvious to readers, but for me it's been a puzzle, so here it is.

I went to a small barbecue at a friend's house last night, and I was wearing a nice, fitted brown corduroy blazer and jeans with kind of a cool long sleeved t-shirt (buttons at the neck) underneath, and I found myself feeling rather self-conscious about my blazer. I realized after a little while that my feelings had nothing to do with the outfit itself - I looked fine - but rather with the environment. My friend is a woman who dresses ultra-feminine. She's latina and she worked in fashion, and she's way into the flowy stuff, and accessories. When I'm around women like that I always feel a little bit like a red-headed stepchild, or maybe an awkward prepubescent boy.

But you know what? I'm not ultra-feminine, so there's no reason I should feel like my style should reflect that sensibility. This mission is going to be about pairing items that make me feel good, and help me to reflect my actual personality (not the ones I sometimes wish I had), which is a little bit nerdy, I guess. I feel great when I put on a dress and glam out, but there is a time and a place for that in my book, and my everyday style needs to be easy and humble. It's always been that way, so now I just need to find a way to make it look good, and to feel awesome about it. Clearly I have some psychological habits to break before I get there.

Blue Nailpolish

THE NAILPOLISH EXPERIMENT: I had a darker blue and a sky blue to choose between at Walgreen's, and I'm sort of wishing I chose the darker one. I got the Revlon Bright Sky polish, and even with 3 coats, it's not opaque, leaving me with kind of a weird look. A pale white woman like me needs an opaque blue, I think. This color would look AWESOME on a black woman with a medium to dark skin tone, though.

Today, I'm going back to Walgreen's to see if I can do an exchange. They had a disappointingly small number of options in the blue family, though, so I may end up having to go to Sephora at the mall, which will take up my entire lunch break.

This weekend, I am planning a critical tear through my wardrobe, throwing out mistake items that I never wear, or should never wear. On a recent business trip, I survived just fine with one suit, 2 blazers, and a few camisoles, so there's really no need for me to hold onto a huge wardrobe of items that make me look awful, or that I'm hoping to fit into at some point.

As I exercise more and lose a little bit of weight, I'm realizing that this process might not make me fit into pants/shorts I wore a couple years ago, because exercising doesn't just make you skinny, it builds muscles. Basically I'm finding that I'm finally growing an ass. That's a good thing, and I should be tossing (or donating) my old items with a smile. I don't know how much I am going to accomplish, because my husband and I have a lot planned for this weekend, but I'm going to get started!

Ugly Betty Moment

Today I had a close encounter with the legendary snobbery of the fashion world through an e-mail a colleague shared with me. It was from someone who works for a moderately respected fashion house in New York.

Let me preface this by saying that I am in publishing, and the magazine I work for is somewhat connected to high-end items that are sold by this fashion house. A few months ago, I had spoken on the phone with this representative of the company, and sent her a copy of the magazine as an introduction. My colleague was reaching out to her for similar purposes, and mentioned that I had recommended her as a contact. Here's the response:

"I apologize, but I don’t recall working with her. Perhaps she worked with one of my associates?


"In any case, I have looked at the website and I don’t feel that (fashion line being discussed) would be a good fit. We are really trying to be part of pages that have more upscale designers, and unfortunately, I haven’t heard of most of the companies under the (magazine's designer list) page.


"Thank you for your interest in (fashion line).


"Best,

PR Person"

OK, first of all, I love the whole, "I don't remember speaking to your co-worker," bit. Perfect. Also, the desire for more upscale designers... and the litmus test for "upscale" being whether or not this person has heard of them before. Um, do you have any idea how much people pay for this stuff, lady? Maybe you haven't heard of everyone. And finally, signing your e-mails with "best" after a blow-off is so Ugly Betty. Well, I hope her shoes hurt.

Liquid Liner Success

I got the Almay Brown Topaz, and it's really nice. I was a little intimidated by the brush you use to paint it on, but with a little bit of smearing, and some concealer for the parts I really needed to blur, it looks very natural, and very pretty. It basically just made it look like I have nice thick eyelashes, which I guess is the whole point.

I picked up a bottle of light blue nailpolish too, but I have to wait to report on that because I have chipping clear polish on my nails right now.

So now I feel all pretty with my eyeliner, except that I didn't bother to blow dry my hair this morning, I have a huge cold sore on my nose, and 2 zits on my chin. But hey, it's progress.

Liquid Liner and Lilac Nailpolish

My e-mail has just issued me a challenge. Every once in a while I get a newsletter from Carmindy.com, which is the website of that great lady who does makeup on TLC's What Not To Wear. Her latest one touts liquid eyeliner, something I have always felt was too girly for me to even attempt. She recommends a bunch of them, but I'm going to pick one of the ones that's available at Walgreen's, since I have to buy toothpaste today anyway. Here are those recommendations:

Almay Intense I-Color Liquid Liner in "Brown Topaz" (she says it's "universally flattering")
CoverGirl Line Exact Liquid Liner Pen in "Very Black" (the pen makes it easy to apply, Carmindy says)

Fashionista has been pointing out nail polish in shades of pale blue and lilac in the last few weeks, so I'm going to try out a new shade in that family too. Hopefully I can find that at Walgreen's! I'll report back with the results of these two experiments.

It's Time

As an introduction, I will simply tell you that I am a 30-year-old woman who has spent her entire life not feeling quite right in her clothes, making fashion errors, spending too little or too much, and hardly ever achieving the classic style I have sought. Every time I am in public, I see women dressed in outfits that make me drool - the way their pants fall gently from their hips, with hems right where they should be. The crisply pressed shirts, untangled soft hair that stays in place, the dresses that look so natural you'd think they were designed with the specific wearer in mind.

My hippie upbringing —with its focus on the natural and its general disdain for focus on one's appearance—aside, I stand ready to admit to the world that finally, at 30, I am ready to look good.

This blog will chronicle my efforts to learn about fashion/style and implement the knowledge for my own appearance. So far, my resources are www.fashionista.com (which I started reading for work purposes, and which is largely responsible for this new quest of mine), Vogue (subscription should start with the next issue!), and my own eyes, which have been analyzing style and fashion for the first time these last few months.

I am 5"10" tall and of slim/athletic build with some exceptions. In the last 6 months, I have begun exercising regularly for the first time ever (well, since high school field hockey, I guess), so I am feeling pretty good about the way I look, but I have always had a proportion problem because of my wide hips. There's been a pleasing decrease in the noticeability (is that a word?) of that proportion problem since I started exercising again, but it's probably always going to be an issue for me. I like to highlight other areas, but my awkward feelings about my general proportions have had me looking awkward much of the time. It's time to get over it! I think finding the right clothes (and tossing the ones that don't work) will do me a lot of good.

So, here on Fashion Virgin I will let you know about my daily (or close to it) experiments in improving my appearance, and maybe we'll all learn something.